Potty Training {almost killed me}

Transitioning back home from working in an office is quite the adjustment. The pros: no more 5:30 morning alarm, no dress code, no morning commute. Cons: being employed by a tiny boss who still poops his pants. Lest you think that working-from-home is all rainbows and pedicures, I feel the need to share my potty training saga. I heard a grandmother state the other day that 'everyone thinks they're great parents with one child'. Word. I don't even remember potty training my oldest...it just happened! Most credit goes to his preschool teachers at the time, but it was so painless. When it came time to do the same with his little brother, I puffed my chest out, pulled out the M&M's and confidently stripped my child naked. I would employ all the same tactics used on Wyatt and we'd experience the same results. Underwear, we're coming for you!

Eight excruciating months (and hundreds of over-priced Pull Ups) later, and we were no closer to having a child who would use the potty. Don't get me wrong, he'd use it long enough to receive a treat or reward. And just when he lulled you into a false sense of success, he'd crap his pants...in public...on the playground...down the slide. Or climb up in the waiting room chair at the Mac store, pee his pants, and sit in his urine without breathing a word until he stands up and leaves a noticeable puddle in the chair. One day in particular sent me over the proverbial edge. I was downstairs one morning and realized that I hadn't heard anything upstairs for several minutes. The dreaded toddler silence. I climbed the stairs where the boys' bathroom sits at the top of. My nostrils were stung by a foreign, awful odor escaping under the door. I walked into the bathroom and almost slipped and fell immediately. What was I stepping in?! It wasn't poop, it must be pee...I looked over to see a bottle of Clorox spray sitting on the ground. I began to survey the rest of my surroundings. There was poop EV-ER-Y-WHERE. Emmett had apparently pooped in his underwear, gone to the bathroom, sat down on the floor to remove soiled underwear, then sat on the potty. He'd left a trail of poop all over the bathroom: floor, walls, toilet seat. Recognizing that he'd created quite a mess, he decided to 'clean it up'. The entire bathroom was coated in human poop and bleach. I stood in the middle of it all and my only thought was "I have no clue about parenting". Not in a defeated, wanting to crumble into tears kind of way. More in a shockingly dumbfounded way.

Never again will I dole out potty training advice. I can't even begin to count the number of Hot Wheels cars that little dictator now possesses. Don't let your friend's potty trained one-and-a-half year old discourage you. That's just not in the cards for all of us. Hang in there mama's, there is always light at the end of the tunnel! Emmett only wets his bed every other night now ;)

The year I pressed pause.

In June of 2017 I found myself four years down the road of ministry and fighting for air. My insides felt like a can of Coke that had been shaken and were ready to burst. I wasn't sleeping, kept awake by anxiety; mind racing with thoughts of things left undone, what the next day would bring. Mornings were a two hour sprint to get out the door: who could out-scream who, just trying not to be late! I felt like a failure as a mom, wife and employee. Life took a major shift after having my second child, and the hasty six weeks of maternity leave that I took didn't help. I returned to work, put my head down and forged ahead for the next two years...I could feel the ground slipping beneath me. Life was moving too quickly and I felt like I was being left behind. My response was to look for someone to blame. My husband was usually the target: receiving outbursts of anger and frustration that seemingly came from nowhere. After months of prayer, I decided to leave my position. My heart ached for the wonderful women I would be leaving. They had been a lifeline during those difficult years of figuring out motherhood. I was also terrified. In many ways, work was a respite. On especially challenging days with my boys, it was a tremendous relief to drop them off at their classroom doors and know that someone with more patience than I possessed would take care of them. What was I going to do ALL day long with those two boys?!?

I left my job knowing that I wanted to have a Summer with my oldest before he entered Kindergarten. The first week after quitting work, we headed to Nashville to stay with friends. The boys swam and played with their 'Tennessee friends' and I began to see the potential for what our days could look like. I could check my email without feeling anxiety for what might be waiting. We didn't have to set 5:30 AM alarms. Dinner didn't have to be a race to bedtime. I began to feel my body taking deeper, slower breaths. We could do this. The same year that I left my job, we also took a break from being in a small group. The previous four years had been spent in groups, which we'd found lifegiving friendships through, but the weekly commitment had begun to feel like another shackle in our daily life. Releasing the stress of lining up babysitting each week, along with making sure our 'homework' was done, gave us another element of freedom.

We also made a conscious decision to not fill our social calendar. For many years both my husband and I would have a sense of panic if the weekend was approaching and we didn't have some plans in place. Those social engagements began to feel suffocating in that season of busyness. We learned how to be homebodies. How to find fun and adventure together. I really believe that our foursome has gotten closer in the last year. Editing out some of the outside influences allowed our own voices to become sharper and clearer to each other.

The last year has given me freedom...the thing that I fought most of my life for and felt like I lost as a wife and mother. I still work, but it's on my own terms and timeframe. I have time for myself now. I didn't even realize how much I truly needed to carve out some time every week to be alone in my car with the music cranked up, or to get my nails done or have lunch with a friend. I was a deflated
balloon that has slowly found oxygen, expanding with each breath. Finding life and having space to expand. I've also learned to take each invitation under review. I try not to give responses right away, but rather check the calendar, talk to my husband and sit on it for a few days. I've learned that it is absolutely ok to say no! It doesn't mean you don't care about that person/event. It doesn't mean you'll never be invited again (although you might) and there will be more opportunities. Our time is a precious commodity. I feel very protective of mine. I want each moment to be meaningful. I'm so grateful for this time I've had to sort of shrink into the shadows. I've gotten to know myself as a mom better. I've spent time learning my boys and what they need from me each day. And I've been able to release any of the blame I placed on my husband during those frustrating years. We are back in a Community Group and I'm slowly saying 'yes' to more things. But it all feels very different this time around. I want to say yes! Instead of dreading each commitment, I'm grateful for the opportunities I have been offered. 

Sauteed Balsamic Tilapia Dinner

I absolutely love the Publix Apron meals!  I've tried a number of their recipes and we've enjoyed every single one.  If you're not familiar with this program, they have a recipe that they feature each week, which they give out samples of and have the recipe card and ingredients all grouped together.  It's a simple way to make a delicious home made meal if you're in a hurry or have run out of creative dinner ideas.  I found this recipe the other day and it's a new favorite! I adapted it a little bit to what was on sale that week and it still tasted great.  Besides the fact that this dish is full of flavor, I love it because it's quick and doesn't require a ton of ingredients.

Ingredient list:

4 Tilapia filets
8 oz. Tomato Trinity Mix (this is the name of the fresh diced onion, red & green bell pepper at Publix)
1 lemon
I box of penne pasta
5 tablespoons basil pesto (I used
1/2 cup vegetable broth
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
2 teaspoons salt-free garlic/herb seasoning (feel free to use more for added flavor on the fish)
1 tablespoon oil (calls for Canola, but I used Grapeseed and it was great!)
Grated parmesan cheese (optional)

Steps:

1. Bring pot of water to a boil for the pasta.  Stir penne into boiling water and cook for 5 minutes.
2. Reduce heat to low, simmer for another 3-4 minutes until pasta is tender.  Drain water and then stir in  4 tablespoons pesto, 1/2 of trinity mix, lemon zest, and lemon juice.  Remove pan from heat and cover; set aside.
3. Preheat large non stick saute pan on medium-high for 2-3 minutes.  Season fish on both sides with garlic/herb seasoning.  Place oil in pan, then add fish.  Cook for 1-2 minutes or until fish is lightly browned.  Turn fish over.
4. Combine broth, vinegar, remaining trinity mix, and 2 tablespoons pesto.  Add to fish, cook 2-3 minutes or until mixture reduces by about one half and fish flakes easily.  Serve over penne and sprinkle with parmesan cheese (optional).