The year I pressed pause.

In June of 2017 I found myself four years down the road of ministry and fighting for air. My insides felt like a can of Coke that had been shaken and were ready to burst. I wasn't sleeping, kept awake by anxiety; mind racing with thoughts of things left undone, what the next day would bring. Mornings were a two hour sprint to get out the door: who could out-scream who, just trying not to be late! I felt like a failure as a mom, wife and employee. Life took a major shift after having my second child, and the hasty six weeks of maternity leave that I took didn't help. I returned to work, put my head down and forged ahead for the next two years...I could feel the ground slipping beneath me. Life was moving too quickly and I felt like I was being left behind. My response was to look for someone to blame. My husband was usually the target: receiving outbursts of anger and frustration that seemingly came from nowhere. After months of prayer, I decided to leave my position. My heart ached for the wonderful women I would be leaving. They had been a lifeline during those difficult years of figuring out motherhood. I was also terrified. In many ways, work was a respite. On especially challenging days with my boys, it was a tremendous relief to drop them off at their classroom doors and know that someone with more patience than I possessed would take care of them. What was I going to do ALL day long with those two boys?!?

I left my job knowing that I wanted to have a Summer with my oldest before he entered Kindergarten. The first week after quitting work, we headed to Nashville to stay with friends. The boys swam and played with their 'Tennessee friends' and I began to see the potential for what our days could look like. I could check my email without feeling anxiety for what might be waiting. We didn't have to set 5:30 AM alarms. Dinner didn't have to be a race to bedtime. I began to feel my body taking deeper, slower breaths. We could do this. The same year that I left my job, we also took a break from being in a small group. The previous four years had been spent in groups, which we'd found lifegiving friendships through, but the weekly commitment had begun to feel like another shackle in our daily life. Releasing the stress of lining up babysitting each week, along with making sure our 'homework' was done, gave us another element of freedom.

We also made a conscious decision to not fill our social calendar. For many years both my husband and I would have a sense of panic if the weekend was approaching and we didn't have some plans in place. Those social engagements began to feel suffocating in that season of busyness. We learned how to be homebodies. How to find fun and adventure together. I really believe that our foursome has gotten closer in the last year. Editing out some of the outside influences allowed our own voices to become sharper and clearer to each other.

The last year has given me freedom...the thing that I fought most of my life for and felt like I lost as a wife and mother. I still work, but it's on my own terms and timeframe. I have time for myself now. I didn't even realize how much I truly needed to carve out some time every week to be alone in my car with the music cranked up, or to get my nails done or have lunch with a friend. I was a deflated
balloon that has slowly found oxygen, expanding with each breath. Finding life and having space to expand. I've also learned to take each invitation under review. I try not to give responses right away, but rather check the calendar, talk to my husband and sit on it for a few days. I've learned that it is absolutely ok to say no! It doesn't mean you don't care about that person/event. It doesn't mean you'll never be invited again (although you might) and there will be more opportunities. Our time is a precious commodity. I feel very protective of mine. I want each moment to be meaningful. I'm so grateful for this time I've had to sort of shrink into the shadows. I've gotten to know myself as a mom better. I've spent time learning my boys and what they need from me each day. And I've been able to release any of the blame I placed on my husband during those frustrating years. We are back in a Community Group and I'm slowly saying 'yes' to more things. But it all feels very different this time around. I want to say yes! Instead of dreading each commitment, I'm grateful for the opportunities I have been offered.